Saturday, April 11, 2009


I hadn't had any vaccinations up until today since i was 4 yrs old! So when I had to go get my physical (leave it to me to find out at the VERY last minute that they are requiring physicals in order to audition for cougarettes this year...) today, that meant I had to get 4 shots AND my blood drawn! Not to mention i have to go back next week to get more. Yuck. lol I was proud i didn't cry.... and then Ki pointed out that it probably would've been pretty sad if a 19 yr old cried because they had to get shots :D nah. they weren't too bad. but my arms are kinda sore haha hopefully they are functional tomorrow.

Also, I am EXHAUSTED I dont sleep enough these days. But most of all I am so so nervous for tomorrow! Which is stupid... because really it doesn't matter whether or not I make cougarettes or not. cause if i dont make it, then i dont have to choose between dancing and study abroad. But on the other hand... its kinda been a life-long dream to be on that team/ I kinda just want to finally succeed after trying out so many times lol. I hate failing. who doesn't!? But i realize its necessary, and not everyone can make the team, and maybe its just not something i am supposed to do yada yada yada. Sorry if this post doesn't make any sense, mostly i am trying to make sense of my thoughts. But earlier when I was freaking out about tryouts (remember how my confidence is pretty much shattered after last year?..) well anyways I opened my bible and this is the scripture I came across :) St John 14:27 - "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." Wow. call me crazy, and emotional, and roll your eyes at my cheesiness all you want.. but after reading that i KNEW that it was exactly what I needed to read at that moment! A tender mercy, and I seriously just burst out crying because it is amazing that moments like that happen just when you need them the most. So now even though just thinking about auditioning again tomorrow makes me want to puke, I feel a certain level of peace. That no matter what happens its going to be OK. I tend to over analyze, over think, and over stress about things that aren't important in life. But I am determined that no matter what the outcome of tomorrows audition that I will be happy with myself and how i did. NO MATTER WHAT I will not beat myself up and tear away at my self-esteem like I did last year. Because even though I used to think dance defined me and who I was, now I realize that although dancing is something I love, its not what makes me important as a person. Its not WHO i am, but something I do. I think for most of high school being on Sr. Company at the studio, and on the high school dance team was a lot of what I thought was ME. That was why I mattered, because I mattered to the team, because I was good at what I did. I am glad that I danced as much as I did all growing up. Dance has ALWAYS been my passion in life, and been one of the things that has always brought me the most joy. But I am glad that I can finally see that just because I didn't make the team last year, or the year before doesn't mean I am not important. That there is more to me then just being good at dance and being on a competing team and excelling in that part of my life.

SO.. with that said. Even though I am nervous, I am going to try and look at tomorrow not as an audition, but as an opportunity to take an AMAZING class from amazing teachers. To have fun doing what I love to do. Not a dreaded audition in front of judges who are picking apart all of my flaws and comparing me to the rest of the dancers that go to the audition. Because I finally realize that nobody's opinion of me matters as much as my opinion of me, and my heavenly fathers opinion of me, and the opinions of the people I love. Welp. Now that I am done being all serious and such I really ought to get to bed :P tomorrow is a big day thats going to start early!